of competition and purpose

(just a bit of self-evaluation)



i don't believe that i have even a bit of competitive streak
but its omnipresence isn't lost on me.
even before in school, i see people competing for honours,
friends and boyfriends and even attention
looking back,
i think i was more of a wallflower
im there but i didn't really count that much

i have no regrets, i enjoyed my high school life immensely
and with any chance of re-living it, i wouldn't change myself much

when i reached college
i consciously persevered harder
but not in the name of competition
not even for the marks
i worked hard because it provides me with purpose
because it makes me feel good

people asked me if i studied for a recitation, and i'll most definitely 'no'
they asked me for my grade later, and i have good grades
this makes me giddily happy
and plasters a smile on my face for hours after
and puts a spring on my steps
makes all the hard work worth it
to prove each and everytime that hard work does pay off

i keep it a secret that i study hard not to deceive
but i don't want them to think that im part of the game
i didn't want to draw attention to myself
i have my own silent mission
and it has absolutely nothing to do with theirs

i just wanted to be happy and content with myself
and a sense of purpose does the trick
call me selfish, because it really is self-serving
but i want a balanced life
i don't obsess over the marks themselves
i don't need my peers' acceptance that i am one of them intelligent ones
its enough that i have a bit of their respect

now, the competition stakes have been raised
its now all about 'the money', 'the power' and 'the success'
it still doesn't work for me
i still don't work to win
i set my own goals because it provides me with purpose
and because purpose makes me happy

i still do things for ME, ultimately
because i don't need people to take notice
i don't need people to approve
i don't need people's envy
because my existence is not so i can compete
but to find my purpose in life.