end of january 2010 thoughts

i am at a very important crossroads. what do i do?

im not sure if staying in the UK is what i want to do anymore when September comes. i mean, i haven't got that warm feeling about the idea anymore. my current job is something i do with my eyes closed - i just really need the money, and i like assisting people who need my help but even with just over a month in there, i've seen loads of loopholes that i wish they could fix! i won't go into the boring details because that's crap but i'm pretty sure it's not the kind of place i want to stay in for long if this goes on. my back and shoulders hurt, parts of my legs turned blue from bumps, arms with 'battle' marks. it's really very physical and tiring...i honestly don't know how long i will last!

so if the job front isn't all that great, the only other consideration is the way it is at home. i love my mum to pieces...as in for her, the world, my life...but i can't be dependent forever. i came here to try to bond with my father and so we can get to know each other but the truth is, this is how it is. and it can't be changed. i ain't getting any younger and as much as i want to be close by, well i can't they've got their future laid out because they are going to stay in the UK permanently, but for me, it's different.

when i argue with my father sometimes, i ask myself why, why is this happening? i try to be as patient as i can but it runs dry at times too. it can't be helped.

if truth be told, a part of me wants to leave the UK too. the only consideration i've got is my mum and the slight chance that my future is actually here hiding somewhere...what shall i do?

i made contact with a college regarding the possibility of doing a course by Sept so i can have a new visa but to be honest, it's not going great. it's either i need £4500 and work part time, (yeah, right! how will i afford that?!) or do a cheaper NVQ course which will tie me down to my current job and make me indebted to them. so really, the prospect seems bleak to me. i don't wanna spend money i earned hard to pay a tuition and i don't want to stay long in this job.

this is my recession job. i really wish to go back into the corporate world if i can. i spoke with theresa about the possibility of finding work in dubai. so im also looking to go there. it's just difficult with all the things running around my head, and trying to make a decisison and making a schedule for this year. i guess i just need to go through it one day day at a time with my current work. but really, that part that wants to leave the UK is getting bigger everyday, and this only means that i need to pursue other options quick!

oh by the way, one of my 2010 to do's had been accomplished as i am using my new sony vaio to write this blog entry =) and i got myself a blackberry which i really fell in love with!!! as in totally! i wish i discovered it sooner!!!