At a Crossroads (yet again)

(CAVEAT: very long post)

I've known for quite a while how life is a journey, and that there are bumpy roads, crossroads; it involves losing our way, finding our way back, slowing down and stepping on it like there's no tomorrow.

Mine seemed to have spiralled early this year and halted this July. With the trip to Paris for my 28th birthday as the peak, I suddenly found myself having to rethink everything. As in EVERYTHING. The options I have, and the possibilities for the future. All is as uncertain as it can get. Losing my job may be bad, but it also is a turning point. Here I am once again. I need to set my priorities straight and ask myself: What is it really, that I would give anything (and everything) to have? What is it that I am willing to sacrifice and work pretty damn hard to get to?

People around me from all parts of the world have different takes on my options - which is a great thing, I see a lot of perspectives that way. But I know at the end of the day, it is my own decision to make, and mine alone. The reason for my troubles is not something I can control. Quite simply, my Visa that allows me to work full time in the UK is expiring by September 2010, a year and a bit from this day. (and mind you, the system in the UK is no piece of cake) A year can be both a long time and a short time coming depending on perspective. Right now, I see it as an opportunity. However, as early as now, I need to define which road to take. Otherwise, I risk not having a road to journey on at all. Right this instant, this much is clear: I need to make a choice. Because I need to start preparing myself.

Here are the options I have:
1. Take up MBA in the UK
2. Take up culinary in Canada
3. Take up culinary classes in the Philippines
4. Work full time in UAE.

All of my choices involves countries. 3 out of 4 involves studying. All will involve life altering changes and all are likely to be career defining. No option is perfect - there are PRO's and CON's for each one. All of them involves hard work, cunning determination and steadfast passion. I have to choose well to ensure that I have the right attitude for whatever decision I end up choosing to pursue.

So, what's important NOW? Landing a job that will allow me to save ridiculous amounts of money for each of the last 12 months I got. I'm not forgeting for a minute that each of my options require money. Money is always an issue to someone like me, who, while not having to take to the streets for food, does not also have the luxury of that much options because of scarce resources. I've learned to deal and live with it. And most of the time it doesn't really bother me anymore. That's the way I've known it to be.

However, this time around I know, I NEED to save money because it will all depend on it. And then there comes the thinking that IF I do manage to save my target amount, is it really going to be worth it to spend it on something with no guarantee? I am not living an illusion. Nothing in this world has the luxury of having guarantees. Everything is but temporary and therefore, uncertain. I get that as much. But I don't want to live my life worrying about those that I cannot control. Instead, I want to focus on certain factors that I actually CAN CONTROL.

All options if ultimately chosen, will involve a great leap of faith. And if that is not enough of a scare, knowing that there will be no turning back sure is. I have to stay on that road for a while to see if it will work out. My fear right now is if I have the character, strength and the determination to see it through the very end. (the very end meaning the success). Needless to say, I am terrified. Terrified of making the wrong decision and more terrified of the prospect of falling short of the kind of person I need to be to succeed.

Also, there's this feeling that this is somehow a one last shot. I don't know entirely of what. At life? I sure hope not. I just feel a nagging intense pressure as well as a powerful need to take control of where I am headed. I also want to prove that I can power through all of these. I feel I can if I really want it bad enough. I can make something of myself - It is NEVER TOO LATE. Someone important to me said I am not getting any younger and another important person said I need to start building something in one place or else nothing will come out of me. I don't think I am running out of time. But I get their point. I get that I might end up having a family of my own and I might end up ultimately giving up my dream to take on another, or rather live by my realities.

The good thing is, I am single right now. And yes, at this instant, I appreciate the blessing of being single. Because I know that coupledom takes such hard work. Right now I mostly consider just myself and where I want and need to go - makes it less complicated than it would be if I had another person I want to be with to consider. Yet, this brings a scare too. What if I meet someone along the way, what would that mean for my journey? Would that mean that I would have to change routes to fit in another person? I don't really know if I am open minded enough for that. And that is my problem. I guess I am very self-focused right now. It's lucky that I am single.

I've been losing lots of sleep at night thinking, imagining and visualising possibilities. To be honest, one of the options always comes out clearer in my thoughts than the rest. And yet, I am not ready to admit I've chosen it. I want to keep my options open until the very time I am absolutely on the edge to make a decision.

So for now these are what's important:
1. Find a job that will allow me to save up enough
2. Take yet another IELTS exam
3. Get rid of my lazyness
4. Have an open mind
5. Believe I can do it

I have been trying to find a job since I learned I might lose my last one. But the marketplace for jobs is not in great shape at the moment. Most of the world is in the middle of recession. Tough times abound everywhere. I get that. I'm not even choosing what sort of job to go for. As long as I feel I can do it, I go for it. But ofcourse, it all depends on whether or not I will even get a call back. There's too many people out of employment; the highest percentage the British economy have seen in ages. And as if that's not enough to work against, I also have a 1 year Visa on me, making my options lesser than the ideal. But hey, I am not stopping at anything. I believe that this recession and my personal hardship can still be turned into an opportunity. So I am still at it giving every open window my best shot.

I have also contacted an exam centre for my IELTS. I want to get it over with as quickly as I can just so I can get it out of the way. I haven't heard from them yet, but I hope to finalise my test date soon. Because of course, I need to review. I need to try to get the highest possible score. I may not know many things, but this as much I know: Whatever I decide to do, I have got to try to be my very best. I cannot anymore fade into middle ground. I'm not only referring to my IELTS exam. I will also try to give it my all if I end up deciding to take up my MBA or attend the culinary class in Canada or back home in the Philippines. Also, I'd be the best employee if I decide to take up work in UAE.

I need to motivate myself, and that I can easily do. The huge challenge is staying motivated, to keep myself passionate and believing in my goal and myself. I know this because distractions happen all the time. Change happens at on its whim and there's just too much I cannot control. It is difficult to focus on your journey when you pass by lit corners and intriguing signs, and road blocks along the way. This is why maybe, I have to have a clear goal in mind. To define it to a Tee, and perhaps find the best way to get there. I have to draft a map and try to make exact computations of time, factoring in my age and any possible distractions along the way. Deal with the 'what if's' this early which will hopefully help prepare me when they do happen. I can only prepare myself too much. Also, there's too much I cannot foresee, and yet, that's also what makes it more exciting.

For now, I need to learn how to focus. To make sure each day is lived towards my goal inspite that sometimes everyday life feels so mundane, so ordinary and so uneventful. I cannot forget for a minute that each day matters. Every nick of time counts. Focus on the right things, eliminate those that are not useful.

I have a decision I will soon have to make. But first things first. How do I get from here to there?