Top 5 Preoccupations

WOW! its been such a long time that I almost forgot I have this blog in existence (and worthy of being updated if I may add!) even if I am the only one who get to read and enjoy it. haha!

I have been quite busy -nay, swamped with so many things in the past few months that I failed to keep a trail of thoughts behind in here. I will try with passion to make up for lost time. But my thoughts are still in chaos at the moment, I really don't know where to start. Well, to make it seem that I have even a blink of innate organisation within me (and for the fact that I quite like doing it) I will do the top 5 preoccupations of mine that kept me away from my sane and happy place. (yes! you've guessed it, that is right here - in this blog)

I must warn you though that this entry will be quite lengthy rivaling the pages of a thin novel. Ha! Just kidding, I will try not to bore anyone with the gory details and aim at entertaining the unsuspected reader. To be honest, it has been a gruelling ride since I was last here. So prepare to be updated.

Now, without further ado, I now present my top 5 Preoccupations in the last 10 weeks or so I haven't written here:


5. Planning for and the actual trip to London - dated 28 March 2008
I never thought this would actually happen to be honest. But Carol and I was quite determined. We started planning around February (around the same time I disappeared from here); we tried not to leave any stone unturned - from transportation, hotel, places to visit, finances, clothing and food! It was quite a thrilling ride. The building up of excitement while we were counting the day until the moment finally arrived was gruelling yet gave a sense of being alive. We felt that there is something to look forward to that made getting through the cold and endless winter days bearable. We would meet for hours on a monday making notes, computing budgets and drafting iteneraries. Then we chat over Yahoo Messenger day dreaming about it.

The countdown finally came to an end. At last, the day has arrived.
On the day of the trip though, it didn't look too promising. It was a gloomy day, cold and raining. The coach to London was late and the traffic took the trip almost 8 hours. But arrival in London felt like coming home! Forget the rain, forget the tiring ride over. We have arrived. As we couldn't find the hotel and had absolutely no clue how to find it, we managed to hire a taxi to do the job for us. We had a reservation in one of the tiny cheap hotels. The good thing though was the Indian guy manning the front desk was friendly and helpful. Although we were on the top floor of the hotel with no lifts, we started hauling our heavy luggage up to freshen up and start our city exploration. We were so excited we spent the whole night just walking about. Not even minding where we are going. London is absolutely fascinating at night. Even if the clubs are already closed. Even if the people coming out of bars in Leicester were already quite drunk and loud, it was just great. We had a nice satisfying meal in a chinese restaurant. Good thing Carol was Chinese as she ordered great food! I was so full! After literally freezing out for hours, we finally arrive back in the hotel around 1am. We planned an early morning so we had to bath before we slept that night, and not to mention dry our hairs. haha!

8 am wake up time. We had a nice noodle for breakfast and immediately went off. We went all over. We had to use a map all the time to know where we are and how to get to our destinations. I tell you know, this city is not for the faint hearted. The underground is a myriad of sorts that need quite a bit of messing about and figuring out to finally make sense. But once it dit, well it was a joy to ride in the tube as it gets you anywhere real quick. Get this, we only stayed in London a full whole day and a half but we managed to cover the essentials. We were at the Tower Bridge, Harrods, Parliament, Westminster Abbey, Trafalgar Square and National Gallery. We didn't have enough time to visit the Queen but hey, this is an achievement! In between all this, the picture taking , the shopping, the dining and the getting lost part - it was overall an amazing experience. That in just a bit more than £200 - it was all worth it! Although I think London would be lovelier during the summer months.


4. School Work.
Ok ok...i know how preposterous this may sound to you. However, I found the amount of work that needed finishing quite unnerving. I thought I was seriously going to lose it. I had 7 Module assignments in all to finish. And each one of them needed approximately 50-100 hours to accomplish. In between those was my equal determination to juggle my new found obsession of watching ABS CBN Primetime shows through the internet (mainly to keep my homesickness at bay). I had my hours spent at home terribly full.

In truth, I am now getting the impression that the input coming from the College is not commensurate to the amount of money I paid nor to the amount of effort that I've been putting in it. I think I had very high expectations from a United Kingdom institution. But, watever! I still somehow feel now that I had been ripped off! Seriously! There are seriously times during the class that I know I am wasting my time being there. I don't know if it is only in 2nd term that I felt it or I was just in denial during the first term. That, or perhaps I was so elated at being here (with the amount of money I spent and with wanting it hard enough) that I was determined to appreciate everything even if there was nothing to appreciate. I now recall the moments when I felt I dont belong in the class because I am not even invited to join in discussions (or I just don't feel like joining) or when the instructor just talks about rubish - I didn't even notice. All I know (or realised) was as the days go by, my eagerness, persistence and energy with attending classes was being significantly diminished. Now, I've reached a point of merely tolerating being there. Because I know my attendance is a necessity in my legal right to stay here in the UK.

Knowing myself though, I still tried to finish the requirements on time. I myself knew however, that they weren't as good as the 1st batch of assignments I turned in. I feel I am now missing the point. It's like a feeling of resignation but it was still testing my endurance. I persevered (and still is) just to get through. I knew that summer isn't that far away and I think about this everytime I had to wake up at 6am or waiting for the number 12 bus. It's getting more and more excruciating, and I have several days to go. I can do this though. I believe I can.


3. Work Work
My work exposes me to all kinds of desolate situations. From severe hopelessness to the downright bizaare. I face problems left, right, back, and forth. Since I am now doing both frontline advising and administrative work there are days that felt like it goes on for weeks; Days that seem to never end when that's all I hope it would do.
End.
Just end and put a stop to my misery. There are even times when I went to work without a blink of sleep from worrying about the day ahead. It felt untoward yet familiar: the anxiety and stress.

Nevertheless, I feel a sense of becoming in this job. It is laborious yet rewarding. Though I can still feel like I am useless everytime a client dumps his/her problems on me. Why? Because some of the problems I encounter are out of this world and have no solutions. But both the client and myself need TO DEAL. I know I have a plethora of learnings and experiences still waiting for me if I stay for long in this job. And sometimes I wish I really could.


2. Wu Chun Fever
On a lighter note, I found myself being touched by a very unlikely person (who doesn't have a clue I exist). And he is none other than Brunei born Taiwanese actor Wu Chun. I had the chance to watch some of his series through the internet and I find him absolutely heavenly. I knew I was growing a crush everytime get a chance to watch him. He was just too pretty and HOT!

I did my research - Because I couldn't get enough of him, even after running a marathon in watching his series *Hana Kimi and *Romantic Princess online. I found he holds a degree in Business Admin from Australia, he used to be a gym instructor in Brunei - now has his own 2 branches; he is more comfortable in English than in Mandarin (but learned to be fluent in a short span of time) and to top it all off; he is such a BEAUTIFUL PERSON - inside! He has his own blog and I read every entry. He is worthy of praise and I can sing it for hours. But I wont, coz I don't want you falling in love with him too.

I just can't believe that at my age I am still capable of nursing a hung up on someone I may never even have a chance to see in person... come on, what the effing **** is wrong with me?????


1.. Problems with staying here
This is like the cliffhanger part which I don't really wish to elaborate on. It just so happen that while on the process of researching for one of my school assignments I found out that the matriculation fees for next school year will go up substantially high. It's now up to £7000 and even if I try with all of me to save and live a frugal life I will not be able to afford it. I have no intention of asking for a loan from my parents or anyone for this. And ofcourse, if I don't study - my visa will no longer be valid. And that's that. There's really nothing I can do. I have currently commenced a frantic job hunt all over the world in hopes of securing myself a stable income. I am keeping a positive outlook and hoping for the very best. I just hope it all works out in the end.

a bit of valentine fever

this valentines' day
im using my 'foreigner' status to let this season fly by without
having it affect me in any form (or, so i try)

though, at the very front of my office window is a flower shop
and today, everytime i look out the window
i see the splattering of rose petas both in white and red on the path way leading to the shop
it was splendid.
the arc made of rose plant at its very door is just icing on the cake
it was so that inviting...
that i did not fail to notice a number of unknown faces leaving the shop carrying huge bouquets
in consequent succession
keeping the shopkeeper very busy
and i assume it will be more so tomorrow.


is valentines' day all about flowers, champagne, and chocolates?
and dare i add teddy bears?
because if it is, i refuse to fall victim to a celebration
that is feeding on consumerism.
im not griping at all.
it's just that i think there are far more
creative and personal way
of showing that special someone how special they truly are.

i would think that my dream valentines day
would be a getaway
- to paris.
spending it with someone who i know will be there with me
50 years later
and will make every waking day extraordinary
just because we are beavering through life together.

I want more than just a valentines day you see
i want a lifetime.

waiting for heaven sent

have i been bitten by the love bug in this love month?
I refuse to admit to or own up to anything.
if technicality is a point to be taken for all I would say
I would very well conclude that the love bug has evaded me again this year.
liking - i have learned, (in the harshest possible way)
is far too different from loving.
And as much as I LIKE lots of guys
I am very far from falling in love with any of them
I need not elaborate how infatuation is just that... and nothing more
at a younger age I used it as an excuse for my foolishness
but now I know how destructive it can get.
love is a fruit of something wonderful
and it leads to something that undeniably exceeds any product of wishful thinking or daydreaming
at least, it should be in my vocabulary
i used to long for someone
to be 'coupled'
to feel loved and special
but this is all immaturity.
because i was settling for something (or someone?) that was unsuitable
in inumerable ways
i was going for something
that was wrong in almost all aspects
i dont claim for them to be the only one at fault
i did my share of shortcomings
love truly is a risk
a jump off a mountain
a plunge to the deepest ocean
but at then end of the day it should be a conscious decision
a decision that may lead to regret if done blindly
i don't think that love is blind
in fact, it should enable us to open our eyes
and entail for us to see clearly and vividly
what is real and what is not
it is something that everyone at one point or another wants
but not all may get during the time we want it most.

I have made my stand.

I CHOOSE to remain single
not because im undesirable;
but because I am so gorgeous i deserve the very best
not because I am unlovable;
but because I know I have too much to give to waste on someone fleeting
not because I can't have someone;
but because I intend to hold out
and wait for the one
- who is truly heaven sent.
And I am not settling for less.

suvival guide

admit it.
life is difficult.
it can be too hard on you

it sometimes throws you off the side of a cliff straight into the harsh-cold-raging waters
that will smash you on to the rocks.

my top 5 survival guide tips.
(please don't quote me on anything, or blame me for whatever)


5. Choose the people you surround yourself with.
Relationships can be complicated,
whether it be with relatives,
friends -
or even the ones with the opposite sex.

it takes effort to maintain relationships
you go out of your way
you act nice
you even change things
so, it better be worth it.

and if it does you more harm than good,
why bother?
just walk away.

don't let people pull you down
don't let anyone (peers, lovers,bystanders) mistreat you in any way

in life, loving yourself is the first rule
because if you don't
you really can't expect others to do it for you.

i'm not saying you should be selfish or self-involved.
just try to be wise in dealing with people around you
it's great to be kind
but allowing yourself to be abused,
now. that. is. stupidity.


4. Take time to smell the flowers.
take time to feel the wind blow your hair all over your face
take time for a walk even on your own.
LITTLE things matter BIG.
the cliche, 'the best things in life are free'...
well, there's truth to it, you know

insisting on things that just isn't there will just keep you miserable longer
instead, try to focus on things that ARE already there
even the tiniest details that we ignore
make a big difference when we start taking notice.


3. Be a toughie.
be a tough nut to crack.
or at least, act in a pretentious nonchalance
or act cunningly confident

because when you act weak, you get taken advantaged of
when you act like a softie,
people start walking all over you

don't think for a bit that people would take pity on you
nobody likes a cry-baby
everybody tries to get rid of a clinger

people will see you as their equal if you SHOW them that you are
i don't know about you but i'd rather be feared than be bullied.

one wise guy said (actually its George from Grey's Anatomy):
'show no weakness and you'll go straight to the top'.
(or something like that)



2. Decide to be happy.
the old adage that says, 'happiness is a choice', is true.
it is indeed subjective and relative.

don't let the little things bother you
coz' you cannot control everything
but you can definitely control how you react to things

inordinate happiness is a good thing (watch Robbie Williams' movie 'Patch Adams')
even if there seem to be no reason to be happy about

i think this is one of the hardest things to do
because it requires a certain maturity
and strength of willpower

but it's also the simplest solution

just. be. happy.

don't let life get the best of you
instead, get the best out of life.


1. Count your blessings.
(I do this almost every time i ride a bus now.
because it keeps my sanity intact)

you never know just how blessed you are unless you start counting
even in your darkest moments
try hard and just start counting
you'll be surprised.

Pray HARD.
thank God for these blessings.
you'll never know what hit you.


-----


these are just my opinions
but it wont hurt you to try

i came up with these because my life has never been this challenging before
i've never had to experience too many new things in such a short span of time
and i've never had to make these much adjustments until now

i admit that i'm terrified pretty much all day everyday
there are lots of times that i don't even know what i'm doing or where i'm going

but i no longer bother to complain
because i think all these will be worth it in the end
i believe these all will make me a better person.
it's all in perspective you see.
it's a decision you make to survive.

of competition and purpose

(just a bit of self-evaluation)



i don't believe that i have even a bit of competitive streak
but its omnipresence isn't lost on me.
even before in school, i see people competing for honours,
friends and boyfriends and even attention
looking back,
i think i was more of a wallflower
im there but i didn't really count that much

i have no regrets, i enjoyed my high school life immensely
and with any chance of re-living it, i wouldn't change myself much

when i reached college
i consciously persevered harder
but not in the name of competition
not even for the marks
i worked hard because it provides me with purpose
because it makes me feel good

people asked me if i studied for a recitation, and i'll most definitely 'no'
they asked me for my grade later, and i have good grades
this makes me giddily happy
and plasters a smile on my face for hours after
and puts a spring on my steps
makes all the hard work worth it
to prove each and everytime that hard work does pay off

i keep it a secret that i study hard not to deceive
but i don't want them to think that im part of the game
i didn't want to draw attention to myself
i have my own silent mission
and it has absolutely nothing to do with theirs

i just wanted to be happy and content with myself
and a sense of purpose does the trick
call me selfish, because it really is self-serving
but i want a balanced life
i don't obsess over the marks themselves
i don't need my peers' acceptance that i am one of them intelligent ones
its enough that i have a bit of their respect

now, the competition stakes have been raised
its now all about 'the money', 'the power' and 'the success'
it still doesn't work for me
i still don't work to win
i set my own goals because it provides me with purpose
and because purpose makes me happy

i still do things for ME, ultimately
because i don't need people to take notice
i don't need people to approve
i don't need people's envy
because my existence is not so i can compete
but to find my purpose in life.

they say it's a nightmare...

i think this day rocks!

the feedback for the 2 papers i've turned in before christmas are out. well, they are not the actual grade per se because they still go into deliberation at Glamorgan University but im happy with what i got. i know i should work on getting a distinction. but it could really be hard specially now with setting myself up in my new job.

since my instructors knew about my new job they asked me about it...and i told them that i kinda need to get to know everything about UK, the legal system, the benefits system, the laws on housing, on employment and everything else really... and my ops management instructor said; "oh...that's a nightmare!'

yes, indeed...
it is.
what im trying to do is really damn difficult. but i just have to try . and i'll work really hard on it too.
i just hope that it will be good enough.

well, so while waiting for the final grades to come out in june, i'll starting with new MSc modules next wednesday and busy myself with my new job.

Top 5 ways to survive all these:

Top 5 : wake up early and stay up late
- yeah, right!

Top 4: stop watching friends reruns, smallville reruns, UK daily top10, cbbc cartoons,
and study instead
- again, really?!

Top 3 : stop spending too much time tinkering with the laptop, stop updating my friendster profile, my multiply profile, stop downloading songs and looking for gossip. also, stop updating this blog!
- i don't think this is possible...

Top 2 : start eating on time, especially lunch! - i haven't been doing this because i have no time
- ok i'll try

Top 1 : Pray a lot, and hard.
- this is definitely something i will do.

knackered

i feel both great and exhausted today
its officially my first day at work
and since im behind schedule on my MSc work, i have to do school stuff
as well as cook dinner when i got home

there's really much to say
but i can't go on right now.

so my top 5 for today will be on the highlights of my day but, without much explanation

top 5 : waking up in a very un-Godly hour -- and here that's 6am
and i snoozed my alarm at least 5 times before i got my butt to move

top 4 : walking to the bus stop before break of dawn - and that's 8am here
it was raining and all, but since it was really dark and freezing cold this morning,
i think Rhyl looks very peaceful early in the morning

top 3 : meeting tons of people from my new work because they're adorable and lovely and inspiring
- although im still having a hard time remembering everybody's name

top 2 : riding a 2-door-topdown, sports car mercedez (although we had the top on cause its winter)
nice...hot car...
'nuff said

top 1 : finishing question #5 of my finance paper
that left me with not much energy. so im off, for now.